Monday, October 18, 2010

Random thoughts

The surgeon and pediatrician said that the PRS was likely the result of her
position in my uterus during the formation of mouth/face- by day 55 of
pregnancy. The geneticist, however, said I probably didn't have enough folic
acid and it could have also been caused by my gestational diabetes. So I guess
Ill never know for sure but could this be my fault? The resulting answers seemed to be a resounding NO. But as a mom, you can't help but feel responsible and of course, guilty. No one can control how the uterus is, or how the baby chooses to lie in it, especially when it happens so early in the pregnancy- often before a woman knows she's pregnant. However, I have an extra scenario which adds to my guilt. At the first hospital they tried to tell me something was wrong and I wouldnt listen. At the second doctors they said nothing was wrong and wouldnt listen when I said something was. Should I have stayed at the first place? Should I have pushed harder with the second? I guess in the end it wouldnt have mattered because theres nothing they can do in utero anyway, and we still would have had the same scenario at birth (off to the ICU and tons of testing).

Meanwhile Im still pissed at the geneticist for bringing up nerve damage. Sometimes I think I see it and sometimes I dont. The pediatrician says its not there. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just hallucinating. Especially with her jaw. I keep thinking its growing out, and then sometimes Ill take a picture and look at it and think, no it hasn't. Am I kidding myself? Do I just desperately WANT her jaw to grow out so soon? She's barely 3 months old!

I have a countdown for her surgery. Lets see if this works

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