Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Day 7, misery

The last few nights Ellie has woken up every couple of hours to cry. I called the surgeon and explained that she does not appear to be getting a little better every day, as is expected. I had also noticed a stitch hanging down in her mouth (dissolveable, right). His assistant asked a million questions and said I was doing everything right. Great, which means I'm a fantastic mom who's exhausted by a screaming child on whom I've expended all possible means of calming and healing. Read: there is nothing left I can do to stop the screaming. The stitch disappeared though, either dissolved or went back to the whole from whence it came. In either event the only thing the assistant suggested was switching from Tylenol w/codeine to regular Tylenol as the codeine can sometimes upset the baby's stomach or even make them hyperactive. I think it goes without saying that was a fail since I began this blog with stating how she no longer sleeps through the night. I called the surgeon this morning, we go back Thursday. Now, at least I have something to "look forward" to, so to speak. One of two things is likely to happen- (1) she'll heal up completely the morning of the appointment so it will wind up being a complete waste of time while expending my little precious energy and straining what's left of my nerves to get there on time, or (2) he'll have something useful to make this nonsense end.

In either event this is driving me insane. Every time I think she's getting better- she sits through a feeding without wailing, she smiles at me, she plays with her toys- my optimism is DESTROYED by the screaming and crying that inevitably ensues shortly thereafter. This is also depressing the hell out of me. She's not healing like other babies from a generally typical surgery. She is constantly miserable and I can't do anything about it. I've already done all I can and it's all I continue to do and it's not enough. And while I'm busying focusing on her and trying to save my sanity I'm witnessing so many of her playmates hitting milestones we can't do right now. It's hard to teach crawling in arm restraints. She can't talk when her mouth is paralyzing her with pain. She doesn't even want to sit alone and play anymore, only be held and rocked. I feel cheated. I feel like I've made a mistake. I feel betrayed. To say this is not how its supposed to be is an understatement. F*ing Holland.

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